How to tell if he's changing
Adapted from Women Against Domestic Violence
He takes responsibility for his behaviour
He acknowledges and accepts responsibility for what he's done, fully
acknowledges that he used abuse to control you and that it was wrong
He doesn't blame you, other people, his stress, his job, or any other outside
circumstances for his behaviour
He is no longer denies his behaviour, makes light of it, or makes excuses for
it
He acknowledges that he chose to behave this way instead of saying that other people made him do it, or that he can't control himself
He fully understands and acknowledges that what he did was wrong
He admits lies, he admits what he's done and is not longer making up stories to make himself look better
He no longer tries to hide his behaviour from others
He understands that recovery from abusiveness takes a long time and he'll
have to work at it for a long, long time
He understand the effects of his behaviour
He understands what his behaviour has cost you
He understands fully that you and your children have been hurt by what he's
done, and the ways in which you've been hurt
He will talk with you in depth (if you want to) about how you feel, your
fear, your hurt, your anger, your rights, your lack of trust for him and
understands fully that it is his behaviour that has caused it
He is sorry for what he's done, and is working hard to overcome the damage
he's done and is actively making up for it by giving you back what is
rightfully yours - money, rights, freedoms, choices, etc.
He understands that it will take his victims a long time to recover from what
he's done to them
He respects you
He is proving to you that he understands that you're a human being with rights and is no longer trying to take them away from you - no more double standards
He understands that you're an equal human being, and he's not superior to you
He's pulling his weight
He respects your opinions, even the ones he disagrees with
He accepts your right to be angry with him for what he's done
He respects your right to independence and your right to freedom
He changes his behaviour
He is no longer violent in any way
He is making a big effort to be non abusive
He does not pressure you, intimidate or threaten you
He is no longer blocking communication - he listens and respects what you have to say
He will discuss with you the controlling behaviours and attitudes he's had
You can speak and act freely without him retaliating
If he tries to control you, you can point it out to him and he'll stop
When you express anger at him, he listens instead of getting angry and trying
to shout you down, threatening you or trying to convince you that something's
wrong with you for feeling that way
He stops interfering in your friendships and family relationships and you are
able to re-establish and repair these, and make new friends
He stops monitoring your movements, demanding to know where you are and who's there
He stops expecting sex on demand
He's stopped drinking
He's fair with money, allowing you to have your assets in your name, a job if
you want
He takes responsibility for what he does and how it affects you and the
children
He no longer treats you like a servant
