Women: are you abusive towards your partner?
If you are abusive towards your partner and you are looking for help you can ring the Respect Phoneline on 0845 122 8609
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm
You can also email us with your enquiry: phoneline@respect.uk.net
Textphone users dial 18001 0845 122 8609
If you need to speak to us through an interpreter ring us and ask for one: we use Language Line and we can arrange it for you.
You can leave a message if the lines are busy or out-of-hours. We’ll try to get back to you within 2 working days.
What can I expect when I ring the Respect Phoneline?
We can discuss the abusive behaviours that you have used. Talking about what you've done can help you understand it better. We will not be judgemental but we will challenge any attitudes or beliefs that make it easier for you to abuse your partner.
We can talk about things you can try to help you keep your partner safe and avoid escalating the situation. We don’t undertake long term phone work and a phone call doesn’t really change things but talking about what you’ve done can help you take a step back and see the whole picture.
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behaviour against an intimate partner or ex-partner, that includes but is not limited to physical assaults, sexual assaults, emotional abuse, isolation, economic abuse, threats, stalking and intimidation. Although only some forms of domestic violence are illegal and attract criminal sanctions (physical and sexual assault, stalking, threats to kill), other forms of violence can also have very serious and lasting effects on a person’s sense of self, wellbeing and autonomy.
Remember:
-No matter how angry or jealous you feel, it is never ok to scare your partner
-No matter how your partner behaves, it is never ok to hurt them
-You can change your behaviour if you choose to do so
-Some abusive behaviours are criminal offences. The Police and the Criminal Justice System are taking domestic violence more seriously than ever before. They have the power to prosecute you even if your partner drops the charges
-Some domestic violence perpetrator programmes work with women who are abusive towards their partners (male or female). Ring the Respect Phoneline to find out if there is a programme in your local area.
How are your kids affected by your abuse of your partner?
You may have kids of your own or be a step-mum to your partner’s kids. Think about all of the children who might be affected by your abuse.
A lot of people kid themselves that children aren’t really aware of the domestic violence that is going on in their family. But studies show that in 90% of cases the children are in the same or next room.
Think about all the ways your children might be exposed to your abuse. Which of these apply to them?:
-Hearing the violence and abuse
-Seeing the violence and abuse
-Being woken up or kept awake by your arguing
-Intervening – trying to protect their brothers / sisters
-Getting hurt trying to intervene, or by getting caught up in the violence
-Seeing bruises or smashed furniture the next day
-Being brought into arguments
-Being used to divide loyalties, or to hold back or pass on information between you
-Being forced to take part in or to witness the violence and abuse
-Being isolated from grandparents
-Experiencing direct violence
-Experiencing unpredictable behaviour from one or both of their parents
-Experiencing neglect from one or both of their parents
-Being told to leave the house or stay out to avoid the violence
-Knowing they must be different when you are around to avoid “triggering” the violence
-Knowing that this is something that mustn't be talked about at any cost, especially outside
-Having to keep the violence a secret
-Knowing that some of the arguments are about them
-Being made subject of child protection investigations or court proceedings
-Being teased or otherwise stigmatised by other children who know about the violence
-Having to call the police or get help
You may not realise the devastating effect that violence and abuse has on children. Even if your children haven’t seen you be violent or abusive, it is almost certain that they will have overheard things. Imagine how terrifying it is to hear domestic violence, not to know how it will end and not to be able to stop it.
Increasingly studies have shown that children suffer long-term harm if they live with violence and abuse at home, even if the abuse isn’t directed at them. Some of the effects include:
Physical effects
· Being physically hurt in the ‘cross-fire’
· Having injuries
· Sleep deprivation
· Loss of concentration
· Bed-wetting
· Developing eating disorders
· Having panic attacks
· Stress and tension
Emotional effects
· Fear
· Anger
· Distrust
· Anxiety
· Becoming jumpy / unable to relax
· Low self-esteem
· Loss of childhood
· Psychological problems
Effects of secrecy and stigmatisation
· Withdrawal
· Losing friends
· Isolation
· Losing contact with family
Effects on behaviour
· Children modelling themselves on your violent behaviour
· Becomes violent to their parents
· Bullies other children
· Expects / accepts abuse – is bullied at school
· Steals or breaks the law in other ways
· Drinks alcohol, takes drugs
· Gets into trouble
· Does poorly in school work
· Misses time from school
Alcohol and Drugs
Alcohol and drugs don’t cause abuse, but they can make it worse. Many people use drugs and alcohol and never become violent or abusive. If you find that when you drink you become more abusive and you still do it – then you’re making a choice to be abusive. You are still responsible for your behaviour even if you are drunk or high.
Studies have also shown that when people are drunk or high their violence might become worse; that is more severe or frequent. When you are drunk or high it can be more difficult to stop yourself or limit your behaviour. This means you may cause more damage than you intended to your partner or family.
Remember:
· You may harm your partner or family more than you intended when you have been drinking alcohol or using drugs.
· Most people can choose how much and where to use drugs or alcohol. If you must use try cutting down gradually and drink or use away from your family. This may mean staying at a mate’s place after the pub or sobering up before going home.
· Being out of it is not an excuse. You are still responsible for your own behaviour, drunk, high or sober.